IT is now 33 years since I attended my first ever Southend United match.

But I can still remember so much about it.

I vividly recall the cigarette smoke sweeping around the stadium, stamping my feet on the East Stand floor every time Blues got a corner and Andy Ansah scoring the winning goal to become my first ever footballing hero.

From that moment on, I have loved Southend United.

But I have never felt such conflicting and contrasting emotions towards the club as I do right now.

And I have never been so scared about it either.

On the pitch, it is the best it has been for several seasons and boss Kevin Maher deserves immense credit where that is concerned.

Maher is someone who knows more about the club than most and I genuinely think that is part of the reason for the progress made since he was named head coach last October.

Previous managers perhaps arrived at Roots Hall not really knowing the full scale of the situation.

But managing Blues is a job like no other in football and is probably far tougher than most others too.

However, Maher was fully aware of absolutely everything.

He arrived with his eyes fully wide open and he cares deeply too.

I must have interviewed him more than anyone else down the years and, even when he was not here, he stayed in regular contact wanting to know more about what was happening.

That proved his genuine passion and it continues to be shown now as the Shrimpers continue to surge up the standings.

Watching the first team is finally enjoyable again and the fact Saturday’s 2-0 win against Dorking felt like a routine victory further underlined the progress being made.

If that performance had happened up until the arrival of the current coaching team it would have been regarded as one of the highlights of the season.

But the win at the weekend was rather comfortable as a penalty from Jack Bridge and a first half header from Shaun Hobson saw the Shrimpers make it 11 National League games without defeat.

The victory also moved Blues up to fifth in the standings and, in an ideal world, this whole story could be dedicated to the many positives attributed to the pleasing performances.

But while everything is going well on the pitch, everything off it remains a concerning chaos.

Office staff remain unpaid as do the youth team while the club remains in a transfer embargo after last week’s winding up petition, issued by HMRC, was adjourned.

Every day seems to bring more drama and the most worrying factor for me is I do not see how things can improve.

Yes I am fully aware of the stadium plans and the money it will generate once building works gets underway.

But will that ever happen and, even if it does, how can the club cope between now and then?

Constant short term solutions are being used to fix long term issues and I can not be alone in finding it truly heart-breaking.

After all, Blues boasted the biggest crowd in the division at the weekend and continue to be backed in big numbers at every single game.

They deserve so much better than what is currently happening behind the scenes at Roots Hall.

And they deserve answers from chairman Ron Martin too.

Those around him can only work with the tools they are given and chief executive Tom Lawrence deserves credit for keeping things going this long.

But enough is enough.

We all want to know the plans for the future and if Blues even have one given the ongoing issues.

I understand it is an incredibly complex issue but if Martin can no longer afford to fund the club then he must be willing to listen to those who can.

Because what worries me the most is that the next generation of Southend United supporters will never get the chance – like I did way back when – to fall in love with their local side.

And that would be the biggest crying shame of all.

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