I HAVE never cried watching football before.

I probably came close when Joe Pigott scored at Wembley and I have certainly felt like it a few times when trying to get my work done before a midweek deadline.

But Saturday’s match with York City was the match that finally broke me when it came to Southend United.

For when the Shrimpers squad were given such a rousing reception by the superb travelling supporters at the LNER Community Stadium I’m not ashamed to admit a tear or two came rolling down my face.

This is what football does to you though.

It provides extreme highs and lows.

But it’s been extremely tough going following Blues in recent seasons and there is only so much heartbreak you can keep on taking before it starts to take its toll.

I won’t be alone in feeling that way either but what has happened to our beloved club is quite simply disgusting and Ron Martin should be hanging his head in shame.

The issues he has created could fill these pages alone but it is non stop doom and gloom, all of his making.

A transfer embargo has been in place for more than a year, staff are continually paid late, pitches are poorly maintained, there’s been no water at the training ground and an academy has been left to die without any thought for the staff involved or the budding young players.

A 10 point deduction for financial irregularities sees the Shrimpers at the foot of the National League standings and, on top of that, boss Kevin Maher could name just three substitutes against York.

As it stands, he has just 12 players available for tomorrow’s match with Maidenhead and that meagre total includes a half-fit Oli Coker and goalkeeper Collin Andeng Ndi who took a nasty whack towards the end of Saturday’s 3-0 defeat.

It is embarrassing and painful to see this happening and worst of all no-one knows if the club will even exist beyond the start of October.

The Shrimpers are back in court on October 4 and have already been told they will be wound up if they do not pay off their debts before that time.

In many ways, performances on the pitch have papered over those ever expanding cracks off it.

And I have genuinely never had more admiration for a group of Southend United staff and players.

Amid the darkest days in the club’s long history, they can continue to produce incredibly committed performances led superbly by boss Maher and his staff.

But it was never going to be sustainable as the Shrimpers are facing an impossible challenge.

One look at the back of Saturday’s programme further underlined those difficulties as York listed 35 players in their squad which also included four goalkeepers.

Seeing Blues’ small squad listed alongside their hosts’ really brought home the challenges they are facing.

And they were certainly not helped by an appalling refereeing performance.

Paul Cooper has started the season dishing out more cards than Clinton’s on Valentine’s Day and Saturday showed just why.

His decision to dismiss Harry Taylor was staggering while Gus Scott-Morriss was red carded for an offence that was actually committed by his team-mate.

But the saddest thing of all is I just feel numb to this pain now.

Defeats used to hurt so much and would rankle with me every week I would be putting these words together.

But the football no longer seems important, it is keeping the club alive which does.

It should never have ever come to this and Martin should have sold the Shrimpers long before allowing things to get this bad.

Everyone connected with this club deserves so much better but that just makes me even more upset about the current state of affairs.

We all know what this club could and should be and there have been glimpses of that this season.

But nothing can be sustained without a solid and sustainable platform and when was that last in place at Roots Hall.

I have followed Blues for 36 years, my dad even longer after his dad took him along too.

It is a massive part of city and our community.

I have made so many good friends from going to games and that is the beauty of following a lower league club.

Yes, the football will not always be wonderful, the players will not always be consistent and we will suffer upsetting defeats.

But we live to learn with that.

What’s happening right now supersedes anything that has ever happened at Southend United before.

It is torturous to see and I just implore anyone with any kind of importance or influence to do everything possible to ensure the Shrimpers survive.

Ron Martin, put the needs of the club and its future before your own and do whatever it takes to ensure your legacy is not the man who killed this club for good.

Get the deal done whatever it takes and ensure Blues can recover from hitting rock bottom.

The alternative just does not bear thinking about.

A world without Southend United, after 117 years, is impossible to comprehend.

And even just thinking about it brings more tears to my eyes.